JOKE: A bad day....

[Cole Blacke]

A father was listening to his son say his nightly prayers. The son says, "Goodnight mommy, daddy, grandpa, and goodbye grandma.". The next day, the grandma dies. The father thinks this is extremely odd, but shrugs it off. That night, the son says, "Goodnight mommy, daddy, and goodbye grandpa.". The next day, the grandpa dies. The father is extremely unnerved, and begins to become more anxious. That night, the son says, "Goodnight mommy, and goodbye daddy.". The father freaks, and his mind races with the thought, "I'm gonna die!...". So the next day, he drives to work with extreme caution, and is friendly and charitable to everyone he meets. At the end of the day, he returns home carefully, and, once in the safety his living-room, the father collapses into a chair. He calls for his wife, and says," Honey, can you get me a cup of coffee? I've had a really bad day....". Instead, she roars, "YOU'VE had a bad day!? I found the mailman dead on the doorstep!".

[Drofgod969]

mailman effect... (some places it is the milkman effect)
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yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. that's why it is called the present.
quoted by master Oogway off kong fu panda
Some weep, some cry, some make couches fly. - Katmir
Let me stand behind you in times of peace, let me stand infront of you in times of war, let me stand beside you as a equall, as a friend.

[Ashton Gray]

The mailmen joke. Classic, thuroughly overused and still funny.
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Silentium est aurum

[Cole Blacke]

Ah, very true, very true. In that light, if no one has any objections, I would like to share another mailman joke, which is, personally, my favorite:

A 65 year-old mailman decided it was time to retire. When the small community he worked for found out, they decided they should do something nice for him, since he'd served them so well for the past 45 years. So, the last day on the job, the mailman went up to the first house, and the homeowner welcomed him in. They gave him a pile of presents to thank him for all his hard work. At the next house they gave him a cheque for 100 dollars, and, at the 3rd house, a cheque for 200 dollars. At the fourth house, a stunning blonde woman answered the door. She was wearing silk pajamas, and was motioning for him to follow her upstairs. The mailman had the best sex of his entire life, and, when they were done, he went downstairs to the kitchen. On the table was a huge breakfast, with waffles, eggs, pancakes, bacon, and, a cup of coffee, with a 5 dollar bill tucked underneath. The mailman was curious, so he asked the lady, "I've had the best day of my entire life, everyone has been so nice to me, but I have to ask, what's the 5 dollar bill for?" The lady replied, "I asked my husband what we should do for you, and he said, 'Fuck him, just give him five bucks.', but the breakfast was my idea."

[EmperorRevan]

Oh SHIT.....that was funny *claps* MORE MORE......(as you can tell, these "Old" jokes you say are PRETTY new to me) *keeps clapping* MORE MORE


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Make Peace or War$, whatever you prefer. LOL

[Cole Blacke]

If you insist.

A man is taking a pleasant stroll along a long, winding, beach. The man, absorbed in his total seclusion, is startled by the sight of a woman with no arms or legs, laying in the sand, crying. The man asks the woman, " Miss, why are you crying?". The woman answers, " Well, you see...I've never been hugged before....". With great sympathy, the man picks the woman up, embraces her, and puts her back down. Seeing that the woman stopped crying, the man continued his walk. However, he had only made it a few feet before the woman again began to sob. With slight annoyance, yet still with sympathy, the man asks," What happened? Why are you crying?". The woman replies, " Well....I've never been kissed before....". Out of his sympathy, the man picks up the woman, kisses her, and puts her down. The woman, as expected, stops crying. However, just as the man turns to go, the woman begins to cry again. With building annoyance, the man asks, "NOW why are you crying?!". In response, the woman spits at the man's feet, and says," Because, you ass, I've never been fucked before!". Without hesitation, the man picks the woman up, hurls her into the ocean, and says," HAHA, YOU'RE REALLY FUCKED NOW!"

[Ashton Gray]

Oh, that's just plain mean. Just plain MEAN!
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Silentium est aurum

[Cole Blacke]

....but you still laughed, didn't you?

[Tadelesh]

I agree, it is plain mean, but I've heard it before, and it still makes me laugh, damnit.
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Wow, sarcasm! That's original.

[Drofgod969]

mean
_________________
yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. that's why it is called the present.
quoted by master Oogway off kong fu panda
Some weep, some cry, some make couches fly. - Katmir
Let me stand behind you in times of peace, let me stand infront of you in times of war, let me stand beside you as a equall, as a friend.

[Cole Blacke]

Oh, alright. If it's REALLY that mean, then here's this one. It's clean, to boot.

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to go on that biplane ride over there." Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars." But finally, one year, when Morris and Esther were once again attending the fair, Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years-old. If I don't ride that airplane now, I might never get another chance." Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride, and not say one word, I won't charge you. But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars." Morris and Esther agreed, and up they went. The pilot performed a variety of twists and turns, rolls and dives, and hairpin maneuvers, but not a word was heard. Undeterred, he did this for a second time, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Morris replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out, but 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

[Ashton Gray]

Ouch. Just....ouch. Though, it does remind me of another favorite joke of mine. "What do you call a sky diving lawyer? Skeet."
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Silentium est aurum

[Cole Blacke]

[Drofgod969]

oooh *pules up my bed* choose one i got plenty...
_________________
yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. that's why it is called the present.
quoted by master Oogway off kong fu panda
Some weep, some cry, some make couches fly. - Katmir
Let me stand behind you in times of peace, let me stand infront of you in times of war, let me stand beside you as a equall, as a friend.

[Cole Blacke]

*points to pump-action, sawn-off* THAT ONE.

[Drofgod969]

a classic
_________________
yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. that's why it is called the present.
quoted by master Oogway off kong fu panda
Some weep, some cry, some make couches fly. - Katmir
Let me stand behind you in times of peace, let me stand infront of you in times of war, let me stand beside you as a equall, as a friend.

[Cole Blacke]

And my personal favorite.
For some reason, this reminds me of a scene from an old movie called "Tough Guys", where a fight between two of the characters results in this exchange:
- I know karate!
- Yah? Bullshit. *pulls out shotgun* I know Winchester!

[EmperorRevan]

Cole Blacke........I love you. HAHAHAHAHA

You are DEFINATELY reviving this part of the forum, please, if you find anymore, or know anymore, post them. Though take your time, no rush, I do love funny stuff, and hope to tell my fellow co workers these, when they feel blue. I am after all then unofficial moral officer
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Make Peace or War$, whatever you prefer. LOL

[Ashton Gray]

A man walks into a psychologist's office and says "Doctor, you have to help me out. Nobody ever pays any attention to me!" The doctor says "Next."
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Silentium est aurum

[Cole Blacke]

Bravo! Simple, yet wonderfully effective. I don't know many like that, but one of my favorite shorts goes like this:
Q. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
A. Doughnuts.

Of course, this one ( though by no means a "short") isn't bad, either:

Two men meet at the pearly gates of Heaven. The first man asks the second, "Excuse me sir, but how did you die?" The second man replies, "Well, I froze to death." A little taken back, the first man then says, "Wow, that must be a terrible way to die. What does it feel like?". "Well, at first, it hurts," says the second man, "But, after a while, everything goes numb, and it's very peaceful....almost like drifting off to sleep". He then asks, "So, how did you die?". "Oh, I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me. So I came home early one day to catch her in the act. I ran into her room, but she was sitting there "innocently", knitting. So I then ran down into the basement, but no one was there. I then went back up to the first floor, but no one was there either. So I ran up the staircase that led to the attic, but just as I was halfway up the steps, I had a massive heart attack, and died.". "How ironic," says the second man. "Why's that?", says the first. "Well, if you'd only looked in the freezer, then we'd both still be alive."

[Tadelesh]

-has a giggle fit-

Ahem.
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Wow, sarcasm! That's original.

[Drofgod969]

he was the man that cheated with the others wife... speaking of her where did she go? fun place.
_________________
yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. that's why it is called the present.
quoted by master Oogway off kong fu panda
Some weep, some cry, some make couches fly. - Katmir
Let me stand behind you in times of peace, let me stand infront of you in times of war, let me stand beside you as a equall, as a friend.

[Cole Blacke]

[Drofgod969]

must have read it wrong i thought it say "they were in the freezer".
_________________
yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. that's why it is called the present.
quoted by master Oogway off kong fu panda
Some weep, some cry, some make couches fly. - Katmir
Let me stand behind you in times of peace, let me stand infront of you in times of war, let me stand beside you as a equall, as a friend.

[Cole Blacke]

I'm glad you mentioned the freezer, Drofgod. That reminded me of this one:

Two Russian farmers, Joe and Bob, lived on opposite sides of the small country lane that separated their lands. Neither liked the other, so there were many quibbles throughout the years that they had known each other. However, one year, there was a period of -30 degree centigrade cold, and, as a result of the extreme temperatures, Bob and Joe had nothing to do but sit inside of their homes. Of course, this did not last long, as Bob and Joe's mutual disposition for each other would not allow for this dormancy. So, after much bickering, it was decided that a contest would be held: whoever could sit on an open windowsill for the longest with a bare ass, won a bottle of fine vodka. And so it was. Both dropped their drawers, and proceeded, all the while watching each other, so as to make sure no cheating occurred. However, after two hours, Bob's wife came home and asked Bob, "What are you doing?" Bob explained, and she said, "Come on... you will only freeze your ass off." Bob refused, as he wanted to win the competition. But suddenly, his wife had an idea: "Let's change places when Joe is looking the other way!" Bob readily agreed, and Bob's wife donned his pullover and cap, and swapped places with him. About an hour later, Joe's wife came home and asked him what he was doing. Joe told her and said, "I am determined to win the bottle!"
His wife only said, "You are absolutely insane. Come back inside." Joe quickly retorted, "I certainly am not, I am already on the winning side. Bob lost his balls an hour ago!"

[Drofgod969]

omg! you mean to tell me he didn't notice they switched places...
_________________
yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. that's why it is called the present.
quoted by master Oogway off kong fu panda
Some weep, some cry, some make couches fly. - Katmir
Let me stand behind you in times of peace, let me stand infront of you in times of war, let me stand beside you as a equall, as a friend.

[Cole Blacke]

She was wearing Bob's clothes, so Joe wouldn't notice.

[skybourne87]

lol