Joke : Chuck Norris

[The Adept]

Post your Favorite Chuck Norris Joke here

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

Chuck Norris was the orginal sculptor of Mount Rushmore. He completed the entire project using only a bottle opener and a drywall trowel.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

..Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

..There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.


.There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.


..When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.


..Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.


..Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

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..Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.


..Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.


..Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.


..Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.


..Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.
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[AlainDaishar]

Chuck Norris peed............ and clogged the toilet.

Chuck Norris doesn't hunt, he kills

Chuck Norris's tears can cure every disease known to man. Too bad he's never cried

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, he has more money than you.
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Alain Daishar Profile: http://forums.pleasurebonbon.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=8174&highlight=

[BioRust]

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people.

Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer.

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth.

Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre.

Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.

Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.

In the medical community, death is referred to as "Chuck Norris Disease".

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.

A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.

Chuck Norris can skeletize a cow in two minutes.

Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.

Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.

Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.

Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while he’s roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die.

Chuck Norris' house doesn't have doors, only walls that he walks through.

Chuck Norris once invited all of the other badasses from TV to duke it out in order to see who was the supreme badass. Only two showed up: Jack Bauer and MacGyver.


I'm just chocked full of these.
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My DA & FA
Alexander Frost

[The Adept]

Davie Crockett wasnt killed at the alamo he escaped and found the founatain of youth and decided to change his Name To Chuck Norris to keep his badass pursona alived
_________________
A fact of life: After monday and tuesday even the calender says WTF...
Kyle Stingray http://forums.pleasurebonbon.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=8106
Escape of The Blue Rose (Story)
http://forums.pleasurebonbon.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=9549&start=0&postdays=0&postorder=asc&highlight=
My FA
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/theadept/

[BioRust]

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
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My DA & FA
Alexander Frost

[Rune174]

They say that there is no chin underneath Chuch Norris' beard, only another fist.
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[BioRust]

During the Dodgeball movie, Chuck Norris gave a thumbs up because he thought they were asking his permission to kill Vince Vaughn.
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My DA & FA
Alexander Frost

[BioRust]

Chuck Norris never uses pick-up lines. He simply walks up to women and says "Now!"
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My DA & FA
Alexander Frost

[Maxwell The Tiger]

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked his toilet so hard that he fractured his ankle and had to be rushed to hospital.
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[BioRust]

Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his skin.
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My DA & FA
Alexander Frost

[dragonfly]

threr is only one person more scary then chuck norris and that is chuck norris's wife
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[BioRust]

Chuck Norris can make you explode by simply looking at you.
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My DA & FA
Alexander Frost

[mackwell]

chuck norris built the log cabin he was born in

chuck norris can strike a match on a bar of soap

chuck norris invented the apple

they were gonna put chuck norris on mount rushmore, but the granite wasnt tough enough for his beard

chuck norris roundhouse kicked the universe into existence

when chuck norris does a roundhouse, you can smell it

noah built the ark because chuck norris said "i gotta go right now"

they say laughter is the best remedy. for normal people, for chuck norris, fear is the best remedy
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i have a time machine in my apartment. it's essentially a cardboard box and on the side i wrote "time machine" in sharpie.