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JOKE: The worst day.....
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Cole Blacke
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 14, 2008 4:37 pm    Post subject: JOKE: The worst day..... Reply with quote

A man is sitting in a bar at the counter, starring into his drink. He does this for over half an hour, remaining completely silent and rarely moving, not even bothering to respond to people that address him. Most of the patrons had noticed the man's behavior, but had simply decided to leave the man alone. However, a giant, burly, biker, who had been playing pool, had been watching the man at the bar, and the man's docile state was driving him mad. Determined to wring a reaction out of the man, the biker rushes towards the bar, grabs the man's drink, and drinks the whole thing in a single swig. The poor man who has been sitting at the bar only looks up to the biker, and then begins to cry. The biker, acting as tough as possible, simply says, "Come on man, I was just joking." The man at the bar replies , "No, no, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept this morning, and I was late for work. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the office and go to get in my car, I find out that it has been stolen, and the police say that they can do nothing to find it. I get a cab ride to return home, and after I get out of the cab, I remember that I left my wallet and credit cards in the cab. I run after the cab as it pulls away, but the driver only laughs and accelerates. I finally return home, only to find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and end up at this bar, and right when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison!"

Last edited by Cole Blacke on Fri Nov 14, 2008 7:34 pm; edited 4 times in total
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Lidia_Apricot
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 14, 2008 6:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Shocked .....woah.
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Ashton Gray
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 14, 2008 7:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

"woah" indeed.
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Cole Blacke
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 14, 2008 7:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

....Too brutal?
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Lidia_Apricot
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 14, 2008 7:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

No, no. I didn't expected that he was actually trying to drink the poison at a bar. And now...that poor biker dude will be taking his place XD.
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Cole Blacke
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 14, 2008 8:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Eh, some might call it "karma". Wink
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Axelord58
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 14, 2008 9:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That's a good one, here's one from my collection, mind you this can get pretty nasty Twisted Evil

Guy walks into a bar, walks up to the bartender and says "Gimme six shots of Jagermeister." (It's a hard liqueur, if you've never heard of it which would probably even shock me)
Bartender says "Whoa! What's the occasion?"
Guy says "I just had my first blowjob"
Bartender says "Hey! Congratulations, here have a seventh on the house!"
Guy says "No, if six can't get rid of the aftertaste, nothing else will."
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Ashton Gray
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 14, 2008 9:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*facepalm*
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Cole Blacke
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 14, 2008 9:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That's just....wrong.... Laughing
It's a good thing that I also know a joke that comes from the bottom of the proverbial gutter: Twisted Evil
A man was approached by co-worker at lunch, and was invited out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, and that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work.
The co-worker then suggested a way to overcome the dilemma: "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late."
So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he crept into his house, entered the bedroom, slid down under the sheets of the bed, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but, after a little while, he realized he had to use the bathroom, so he told her he would be right back, slid out of bed, and walked down the hall to the bathroom.

When he opened the door and went in, he was shocked to see his wife getting out of the shower.

Flabbergasted, he asked, "Honey, how did you get in here?"

"Shhhhh!!!", she replied, "Mom's visiting and you'll wake her up!"
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Axelord58
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 14, 2008 9:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing

OMG, I haven't laughed like that for a while, I'm afraid I'll have to dig into my stash to one-up that one....



Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing
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Axelord58
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 14, 2008 9:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

OK here we go again...

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class on a plane. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man isn’t sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably hallucinating.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He can’t believe that he’s seeing what he’s seeing.

A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again.

The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, “Three times you’ve sneezed, and three times you’ve taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! Are you trying to drive me crazy?”

“I’m sorry to have disturbed you, sir,” she replies. “I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm.”

The man, now feeling badly, says, “Oh, I’m sorry. What are you taking for it?”

The woman looks at him with a coy smile and says, “Pepper.”
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Cole Blacke
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 15, 2008 4:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Laughing Laughing Well played. Here's another one, albeit a short:

Q: What is the speed limit of sex?
A: 68, because at 69 you have to turn around. Rolling Eyes
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Axelord58
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 15, 2008 3:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Here's another '69' joke

Q.What's the square root of 69?

A.Eight something
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Cole Blacke
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 15, 2008 3:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sorry, I don't get it.... Confused
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Tadelesh
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 15, 2008 3:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Correct me if I'm wrong, but the square root of 69 actually is 8 something, but it sounds like "ate" something, and eating is what you do while in 69. Wink
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Axelord58
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 15, 2008 3:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Tadelesh wrote:
Correct me if I'm wrong, but the square root of 69 actually is 8 something, but it sounds like "ate" something, and eating is what you do while in 69. Wink


Bingo. Cool
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Cole Blacke
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 15, 2008 3:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Shocked Oh.... right. Laughing
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Lidia_Apricot
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 15, 2008 3:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You know, this topic should be call "Funny thrown down" because Mr. Cole Blacke and Mr. Axelord58 are seriously throwing down their best joke they can find in their piles of humor XD
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Drofgod969
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 15, 2008 4:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Should be a comedian...
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Cole Blacke
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 15, 2008 5:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Heh, thanks. I don't know about that, though... Embarassed
But, I digress, on with the throw-down: Wink

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a beer. As he begins to drink, he notices that, at the far end of the bar, there is a man sitting there, with a peg-leg, and a head that is about the size of a baseball. At first, the man thinks that the light is playing tricks on his eyes. However, the bartender soon confirms the sight as real when the man asks about it. So the man finishes his beer, walks down the bar to the tiny-headed man, and asks him about his peculiar deformity. The deformed man began, " Oh yes, I get a lot of questions about that. You see, I used to be a sailor, and many years ago I was shipwrecked on a God-forsaken island. When I awoke, I was starring into the eyes of a beautiful mermaid. She said that I was the first person to ever see her, and for that, she would grant me three wishes. Well, I had been away from women for a while, so I thought about sex, and I asked her for that. But she said that she couldn't do that, since she was a mermaid, and therefore not "equipped" to do so..." The man paused, starring off into space, before he continued. "....So then I just asked her, ' Well....how about a little head?' "


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Tearlach
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 15, 2008 8:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Try this: A young man after his first sexual adventure walks along in to his town's red light area. Spotting a likely lady he asks about terms.
"Well" She says " Its eighty quid for a straight fuck but for ninety-five you can have a 69, a bit more kinky!"
The young man agrees and they go back to her flat. Getting down to it , the young man is really enjoying himself and the lady, dispite the bad view. All of a sudden she lets rip with a great big fart, " Oh I'm sorry about that. It's the 69, I get excited." Accepting the apologie the young man goes back to the coal face and is soon hard at work, But once again his date lets rip with a even bigger fart.
The lad gets up off the bed and says" Fuck that I couldn't stand another 67 of those!" Twisted Evil
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Axelord58
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 15, 2008 8:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Holy crap, I've really got to dig to top this one....
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Axelord58
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 15, 2008 8:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

OK here we go...


Karen had lost her husband four years prior and was having trouble moving on. Her daughter repeatedly urged her to return back to the world. Finally, Karen agreed to go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter knew just the person for her.

They fell in love and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He was naked.

"Why the black panties?" he asked.

She replied, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knew he wasn't getting lucky that night. The following night, same scenario. There she stood with the black panties on, only now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?"

He replied "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
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Drofgod969
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 15, 2008 10:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Shocked Laughing
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Cole Blacke
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 15, 2008 11:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing
Wow.....I'm going to have to get out the heavy artillery.....

One day, little Johnny was sitting at home, trying to find something interesting to do while he waited for Grandma and Grandpa to visit for Thanksgiving. Eventually, he decided to see if his mother was doing something interesting, so he walked into the kitchen, where she was cooking. At that moment, the mother cut her finger and screamed, "Fuck!" Johnny, intrigued, asks, "Mommy, what does that mean?" The mother frantically looks around, trying to think of something to say, before replying,"It means....carving the turkey." Johnny simply said, "Oh, okay.", and left.
He then decided to go see what his dad was doing. So he went upstairs to the bathroom, where his father was shaving. As Johnny walked into the bathroom, his father nicked himself, and said, "Shit." Johnny, once again being observant, asks, "Daddy....what does that mean?" Trying to think quickly, the father casually says "Oh, it just means shaving cream." Satisfied with the explanation, Johnny left the room, again in search of something interesting.
So he then decided to see what his older brother and sister were doing. Both were in the same room, talking on their cell phones, arguing with someone on the other end of the line. Johnny peeked around the corner to hear his brother exclaim, "Aw, that boob and dick!", while his sister said almost simultaneously, " That asshole and bitch!" Their bickering was suddenly broken by a small voice asking, "What does that mean?" The brother hesitated, then said, " Coat and hat.", while his sister explained " Oh, that means grandma and grandpa." At that moment, the door bell rang, and Johnny excused himself to answer the door.
When he opened the door, grandma and grandpa were standing there, smiling down at little Johnny. Wanting to impress them with his new knowledge, Johnny quickly said, "Hi asshole and bitch! May I take your boobs and dick? Mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey, and dad is in the bathroom smearing shit all over his face!"
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Tearlach
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 16, 2008 12:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Bravo Sir, Bravo! Laughing
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JohnnyPsycho
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 16, 2008 1:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sorry for breaking up the momentum, guys, but that last joke reminded me of a song...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5rpq6u8hYgk

of course, that song reminds me of another song...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sKowV_OMmxs

Okay, back to the jokes...
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Tadelesh
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 16, 2008 8:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I've heard a similar one to that before, except it ended up with him answering the door to a policeman and saying "Hi bastard, my mum's in the kitchen fucking potatoes and my dad's upstairs shaving his bollocks."

Great vids, Johnny. I've seen an animated version of that second one before, not sure which I prefer.

Anyway, back to the jokes. I read several the other day and thought I'd share one or two of them. Razz
----------
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

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Axelord58
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 16, 2008 8:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This one's a little more political, but when little Johnny come to play, you'd better oblige...

The teacher says, “Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today.”

Little Johnny says to himself, “Good, I want to get outta here. I’m clever—that answer’s mine!”

The teacher asked, “Who said ‘Four Score and Seven Years Ago’?”

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, “Abraham Lincoln,”

The teacher said, “That’s right, Susie, you can go.”

Johnny was mad. Susie had answered first.

The teacher asked, “Who said, ‘I Have a Dream?”

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, “Martin Luther King.”

The teacher said, “That’s right, Mary, you can go.”

Johnny was even madder than before. Mary had answered first.

The teacher asked, “Who said ‘Ask not, what your country can do for you?”

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, “John Kennedy.”

The teacher said, “That's right, Nancy, you can go.”

Johnny was fuming. Nancy had answered first.

As the teacher sat down, Johnny muttered, “I wish these bitches had kept their mouths shut.”

The shocked teacher asked, “Who said that?”

Johnny jumped up and hollered, “Bill Clinton!!! See you Monday!”
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Cole Blacke
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 16, 2008 11:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Laughing Laughing Of course..... Rolling Eyes Here's another "little Johnny" joke:

Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny, and he began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!"

Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and became jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them, one by one, until all of the cockroaches were dead. Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her, to which Johnny said, "Well, daddy, are you going to tell her, or should I?"
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