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Crimson's Tale

 
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Crimson
Royal Member of BonBon


Joined: 18 Aug 2007
Posts: 1606

PostPosted: Mon Sep 17, 2007 6:22 pm    Post subject: Crimson's Tale Reply with quote

Well heres my shot at writing a history for crimson.
Im not the best writer so please forgive if somethings seem odd.
I hope you enjoy. Very Happy

“Help, someone help me!” The frantic fox ran down the dark alleyway her pursuer swiftly gaining up to her. She ran faster down the ally, her heart pounding with fear.
She turned her head back to see if the man was still following her; he was moving faster and faster. She turned her head back around only to have it meet with a brick wall. Her body bounced back from the wall making her fall to the ground, the taste of blood lingered in her mouth. Dazed, she was pulled to her feet by her pursuer and pushed to the wall. The man pressed himself against her making it hard for her to move.

“I know who you are.” He whispered into her ear. She squinted in pain as he tightened his grip. “You’re that writer from Bon Bon aren’t you?” he said with a big grin. The clouds shifted over head, shining light in to the alley. The girl could see her attacker now; he was athletic built croc with scars all over his body. The croc was wearing nothing but tattered pants and some busted up shoes. “Now my dear are you going to give me what I want?” the croc said as he ripped the top of the girls dress exposing her bra. The girl manages to free one of her hands and scratched the croc across the face. “AHHHHH! You Bitch!” The croc screamed taking a few steps back holding the side of his face.

The croc’s muscle flexed as he made a fist and stared to move closer to the young girl.
The girl closed her eyes and crossed her arms to try and block the punch. A few seconds pass and the girl opened her eyes in bewilderment, wondering what happened to the punch. There was a tall fruit bat in front of her blocking the punch that was meant for her.
The croc squinted and moaned in pain as the bat had his wrist in an odd position. A dark shadow loomed over the bats face. The only thing the croc could see was the bright crimson eyes shining though the shadow like two rubies shining in the light.

“Don’t you know it’s not nice to hit a lady especially a beautiful woman such as the one behind me.” He turned to get a look at the young fox. “Are you ok, my dear?” he asked. She nodded in return. He turned back to the croc, his eyes peering though the shadow sending shivers down the crocs spine. In fell swoop the bat snapped the croc’s wrist like a twig. “Now get out here before I have to break something else!” the bat yelled. The croc screamed in pain grabbing his wrist running out of the alley. The bat turned around to face the young fox. “I sorry you had to see that my dear.” The bat said talking off his coat and placing it around the fox’s shoulders. “Thank you sir, you’re very kind.” She said.

“Oh my where are my manors, my name is Brian O’Toole but my friends call me crimson. May I ask you yours?” Crimson said. “My name is Daphine Mallow, thank you for helping me Crimson. “Come I’ll walk you home.” Crimson said leading the fox out of the alley. A few minutes pass before Crimson broke the silence. “I have to ask you something my dear.” “What is it, sweetie?” she asked.
“The next time you leave for Bon Bon can you take me with you?” Crimson said turning to face Daphine. She looked into his crimson eyes and placed her hand gently on the side of his face. “Can I ask you a question before I give you my answer?” She asked rubbing the scar running across his right eye. “How did you get this scar?” she asked
Crimson closed his eyes at the painful memory “The man that kidnapped my sister gave it to me and now he’s heading to your city of Bon Bon. Crimson said looking into her eyes. “Well then I don’t even have to give you my answer because you already know it.” she said staring into his sad, tired eyes. “Thank you.” Crimson said. A few more minutes pass before the reach Daphine’s apartment. They stop and look at each other until she broke the silence. “Meet me at this dock by 9 am.” Grabbing a scrap piece of paper and writing down the dock address and handing it to him. “Thank you, my dear.” He said grabbing the piece of paper from her. “Now please wont you come in.” She said gesturing to her door. “I have to thank my savior somehow.” She said with a playful grin. Crimson walked up to her door and held it open for her. She nodded and climbed up the stairs and headed into the door. Crimson stared into her beautiful purple eyes and smiled. “I would be honored.” He said closing the door behind him.
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kommy
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Joined: 07 Sep 2006
Posts: 1000

PostPosted: Mon Sep 17, 2007 6:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You are certainly quite the young hero type, are you not? *chuckles* A classic tale, definitely. Multiple damsels in distress, dashing young rescuer with lots of chutzpah as well as posh manners... Nothing to be ashamed of, definitely. Smile

I will, however, note your grammar could use some cleaning up for constructive criticism. Missing quotation marks confused me a couple times. But that's what the lovely edit button is for. I have to use it all the time.
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Xebulon
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Joined: 28 Mar 2007
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 17, 2007 9:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Throughly entertaining Crimson. I'd say you're off to a good start as a writer. Just remember, the more to keep at it, the better it will become. Very Happy
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MrWolf12
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Joined: 12 Feb 2007
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 17, 2007 9:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very well written. With the exception of the aforementioned grammar. Smile

Very well done.
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Crimson
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Joined: 18 Aug 2007
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 19, 2007 7:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

hehe sorry about the grammar Embarassed
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Ashton Gray
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Joined: 15 Feb 2007
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 19, 2007 10:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have to agree with the others sentiments, enjoyable but the grammar needs some work.
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LabrnMystic
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Joined: 27 Jul 2005
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 20, 2007 10:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Razz, Theres never been a requirement for full and proper grammar around here. Though correct punctuation is what'll bring the hammer down upon ye.
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Crimson
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 21, 2007 4:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Embarassed
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LabrnMystic
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 21, 2007 8:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Crimson wrote:
Embarassed


Hey, buck up ol' chum.

Yeah, we still love you. *grips him tightly in warm hug*
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Crimson
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 21, 2007 10:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

*cough* cant breathe *cough* *pats Mystic on the back*
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Last edited by Crimson on Sat Sep 22, 2007 12:19 pm; edited 1 time in total
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LabrnMystic
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Joined: 27 Jul 2005
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 22, 2007 11:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

*laughs happily* Patting Labrn's back will do nothing silly. *continues her iron grip on him*

Ya see, Mystic's the indigo writing.
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Ashton Gray
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 22, 2007 11:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Do try and leave him alive and impermanently harmed, dear Mystic.
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Crimson
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 22, 2007 12:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*cough* cant feel my legs *cough* I love you too Mystic *cough* *cough*
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LabrnMystic
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 23, 2007 11:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Rolling Eyes


Oh, we don't need you going numb at a time like this. *begins to rub his calves, then works her way to rubbing his thighs* Feel anything yet? Wink
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Crimson
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 24, 2007 6:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

oh i feel the blood flowing back into my legs thank you
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LabrnMystic
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 29, 2007 12:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Soon enough I'll be finishing up figuring out my card and Mystic will have her own account and be able to be on.
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