A plea against lonliness...

[Gantros]

Some of you may recall a couple years ago that I discovered my father dead in his bed from heart failure a week after successfully beating extensive cancer into remission. What I didn't say at the time was that as far as friends I can interact with in person go, he was my best and only. I came to the realization that I could not live alone anymore (aside from the nuclear family) and began a quest to find friends and potentially a mate through the only medium I felt comfortable enough to use, the internet.

For those who ask, 'Why not go to bars or other places to meet people?', I have to state that for one I don't drink or smoke, period, and I am not this articulate in person, at least not at first. I would find it difficult to speak of anything more intimate than suggesting what movie, book, or anything else I'm interested in to a complete stranger, because I like to be helpful. But I digress...

Two years later, and after spending more money than I care to admit, I have yet to have a real world meeting with anyone, much less a date. Admittedly, I have met a couple people that at one point had the potential of something more intimate than a platonic relationship, but geography prevented that. And of course, I consider you all my friends, as well, which brings me to my request...

Is there any advice anyone here can give to a lonely soul in Portland, OR, USA?
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Most have only two choices in life, a life of happiness, or a life of meaning. It is truly a rare thing when one can achieve both. But given the choice, I choose happiness.

[Maxwell The Tiger]

Have you tried going out with your friends in a big group? I always do that and I've shared great times and, well, less than enjoyable times. I find it easier to mingle if I have people I know shoulder to shoulder.
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[Gantros]

[xivk]

Meet anyone you play with online?
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[Gantros]

[Maxwell The Tiger]

Well is there a pub anywhere or anything like that?
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[Gantros]

[Maxwell The Tiger]

Not my place but If the decisions you've made are making you unhappy, then perhaps there is room for change?
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[Gantros]

[Maxwell The Tiger]

Although I said to myself I would never drink and once I started going out... That changed. And now I've got a broken nose
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[The Adept]

[Gantros]

[Maxwell The Tiger]

then Perhaps we should explore other things. What about sports? I myself am not a fan of much of them
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[henkcobra]

I don't have much friends at the moment maybe 2 or 4 but I have to say that sports make lots of social contact.

try something you did in the past or something you always wanted to do.

I fitness at home, but I soon will join a jujistu group again.


Try it Grantos, I know what you are going throu and I wish that no one feels it again.
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[Lidia_Apricot]

Maybe you could go to a Mall near where you live, Mr. Gantros. :3

Walk around, do window shopping, do some random kindness.

Oh! Maybe a bookstore! ^w^

You love to read and there's people who loves to read, too, so I'm sure you'll find a person there who might love the same literature as you do. :3

[Tursi]

I'm not so good at going out and meeting people either, but one point here...

Bars are not the only place to meet people. Some would say that they're the last haven of the desperate - and though it obviously doesn't cover everyone, it's also true for some.

You can meet people anywhere you go. The whole trick is letting someone get to know you well enough. Bars are a sort of a short-cut, where booze loosens people up, but any social setting will do.

I'd recommend deciding what DOES interest you, even if it's something you don't do today. Find a local club that does it, and join. Just showing up and being interested in whatever it is, is the important part. Don't go just to meet people - let that motivate you to join, but go because you are interested.

In my experience, the best friends and lovers happen as a side effect.
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[Shadow_Twisted]

My best advice would be to stop looking. It may sound really weird at first, but it's rather astonishing how things usually turn up when you least expect it.

For instance, when I was in the Navy, I realized I was beginning to run out of time before I may start getting deployed and run the risk of never finding anyone. Having spent close to a year while in training trying to find someone I could even call more than a casual acquaintance. As the time left grew shorter, I started to come to grips with the notion of being alone. Then, I log in to IMVU and try a "Chat Now!" conversation. My avatar appearance had a tendency to make most people leave immediately, but she stayed. So, a few months later, the person behind the image came to be my wife.

We never know when the time will come where we can meet someone, but it usually seems to come when you aren't trying to.

[Jerin Nekros]

[dragonfly]

well im not really good at explaining things to well but i'll try my best.

i was just like you gantros at one time lonely found it hard to make friends didn't help that im shy and that my height and build intimated people and what i look like at one time i got into alot of fights. witch resulted in me getting a nasty scar across my left eye so people now avoid me as much as possible.

so after about years alone i finally decided to join my local gym and to tell you the truth i never looked back i meet a bunch of guys who for once in my life acceptid me. so join your gym if you live near one. or what are you into do you like music sports books etc. maybe look for places that you enjoy your bound to find other people who enjoy the same thing's you do.

you will find friends gantros trust me on this.

im sorry if this didn't help im autistic witch also didn't help me make friends so easy so im terrible at explaining my thought's sorry if my post is no help to you.
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[Xebulon]

Personally, I have never found bars to be a good place to meet people I would wish to socialize with on a regular basis. I'm not saying that you can't make friends there, just that I never have. Also bars tend to charge too much but, if that's the route you want to take, I'd recommend sticking to the virgins. Drinks, of course. I've always found bookstores, like Lidia suggested, or video stores easier places to strike up a conversation. Just casually glance over at what someone else is looking at and offer a casual opinion. Perhaps something like, "Hm. While 'Santa Clause vs. the Martians' was interesting, I've always found the MST3K versino to be more entertaining." Or a coffee shop. You might be surprised how friendly you can get with someone even if you only see them for a few minutes each day.

The thing I had to struggle with the most was finding a reason to go out. Whether it be to the movies, the store or just to pick up some take-out chinese, find something you like doing that requires you to go to it. Dragonfly's suggestion of the gym might be a good place to start, or a sports club of some kind. Biking, skiing, midgit wrestling, whatever blows your hair back. If you're a gaming geek, poke around your local gaming store. People there are almost always willing to start a conversation, usually about gaming but what the hey, right?

However you do it though, it's going to take a certain ammount work. Just walking up to somebody in the street and saying, "Will you be my friend? I've got candy and Jenga!" is only likely to let you get really friendly with your local law enforcement. What I mean is, it's going to take some time to develop any kind of relationship. I'm sure you know that already, but it bears repeating anyways.

Now, on the subject of finding someone to love, I'm afraid I'm entirely the wrong person to ask, for various and sundry reasons. You'll get better advice from the others here, I'm sure.
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[Mr Writer]

Well, as far as getting out and breaking the ice, i would look at yourself first. For years i had a fear of public places and meeting people, still to this day i lothe going out in public, but i sought help. Was diagnosed as having an anti-social disorder. ive worked on my problem for some time and now find myself going to bars and coffee shops, talking with strangers more. you would be suprised how a gentle smile and a remark about something blan can open up a conversation.

Not suggesting you are, but its something to look into i imagin. i diddnt even realized i had it until a friend of mine (psychology, sociology student at UoHawaii) had to do a report on it.

As far as social gatherings and whatnot, i wouldent suggest giving up on your absteninces. Forcing yourself into a bar, and forcing a drink down your throat that you dont want isnt a good idea. puts you in a bad mood and makes you feel uncomfortable, but bars are social gatherings. I am a drinker (have the same history in my family, and i seem to proudly carry it on with me lol) but im not good at breaking ice with others, especialy if i go to one alone, but i picked up bar games. Things like pool or darts are a great way to meet people, and the first thing i look for when i move to a new duty station is a good hole-in-the-wall bar that has pool tables. Even if your terrable at it, play it enough and just try the enjoy the company of others.

or, if you dont want to expose yourself to that, id try coffee shops. Not talking about starbucks, but a regular shop that has seating and whatnot, you can usualy find them in book stores like barns and noble or books a million. i was apart of a writing circle in florida a while back. great place for writers to share ideas (and a great place to meet people of your intelect and interests).

Just because drinking is the most popular social venue, doesnt mean its the only one, and i dont consider smoking a social activity. just stick to your virtues and expose yourself more to the world. try new things and make new comitments.
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[Caroline]

((Gantros,

This is going to be really odd coming from me, as I'm horribly bad about meeting people; however, here goes.

Instead of the whole bar / coffee shop thing, try to get involved in some type of activity.

If you like to exercize, join a gym or aerobics class, and meet the people in there. Offer to buy them a gatorade or something at the gym snack shop.

Or goto the library, and join a book-of-the-month club or something. Maybe take up painting / sketching or whatnot.

Activities have the fun way of meeting people, and, if nothing else, you are doing stuff you enjoy in a new way... even if you don't meet anyone.

So... I hope that helps some.))

[henkcobra]

Grantos I would like to know if your parents did hold you back in sports or social things.

Mine never supportted me in it,.

3 years ago they did nothing then "Henk don't sport and go on your study, stop with that and take your books. No jogging you stay with us and drink some coffe and I you anne walk just cycle more or faster the rout to school."

so after now 2 years ago I stopped complete with sport, but I increased my eating behaviour.

From 80 kg to 100 kg now.

AND NOW THEY SAY YOU HAVE TO SPORT AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS SOO DECREADING AND FRUSTRATING AND HUMILATING. IWANT TO CRY JELL AND KICK EVERTHING NOW AROUND ME!

I HAVE 2-3 FRIENDS WHO I SEE JUST ONCE OR 2 IN A WEEK AND I CANN'T SHARE MY FEELINGS WITH THEM WITHOUT THAT THEY TELL IT TO OTHERS. ONLY HERE I CAN DO IT

sorry if i ruined your topic.
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[Wallstreet]

I can only offer the ways I operate.

I recommend the same methods as Caroline, Gantros. Grab an interest and go to public gatherings concerning them. Gym, random classes at a local school, anything.

I havent been to school in a while and watched my college friends all leave town pursuing careers. But I have kept a wide circle of friends.

I play music recreationally. I put ads up in the local music stores. Through that, I meet new people, hang out with them and through that I meet their friends. I can say that this is an incredible way to make friends.

Another good way is to ask co-workers out for a beer after work.

And amongst the fairer sex, I have found that this line works quite well. "Hey, please excuse me. I just saw you from over there and thought you were really cute. This may seem weird, but hey, no pressure. Here's my number, if you ever want to hang out please call me." I know youve probably heard this alot but confidence is key to everything.
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[BioRust]

Like Lidia and Caroline said, see if there are any activities or clubs around town, but a bar rarely leads to a relationship, mostly its just one night stands or something like the movie knocked up. Just keep trying, you'll find someone. As for me, I've stopped looking entirely, but don't let me ruin your thread.
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[green_fox]

I agree with Lidia, Caroline and Biorust. Try to find out which kind of activities you can do in your town (go hinking, mountainbiking etc. if you like to be outside) or maybe take some kind of course (I hope this is the right word, meaning learning something like computer course etc.). Aren't there any co-workers you'd like to try spending an evening with? I met my best friend at work
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[LabrnMystic]

I tend to be easy to satisfy and will keep to myself and my friends when feelings those bouts of loneliness. I don't really think I can offer much help, but online seems to be the new wave of finding people, as many of us keep to our solitary selves. Staying so wrapped up in work or projects that we all don't see as social as we used to. That may not be true for everyone, but for others it can be. There are some because of their remote location they can only communicate online.

I wish you the best Gantros, but know you can always drop me a line at FA.
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